Puffy Eyes

My eyes are puffy and I have a slight headache.  That can only mean one thing; I was crying before I went to bed last night.  That whole puffy eye thing though, the first time I discovered that happens to me was over ten years ago on the morning after my uncle died.  I cried so much the night he died and I woke up the next day with puffy eyes.  But I remember feeling so much better. 

Last night I cried over the Thank You letter I finally wrote to my ex.  Yes, I wrote a thank you note to my ex.  I actually wrote it.  It was two pages and about five paragraphs of free handwriting.  I wrote it on printer paper with my favorite pen.  I sat at the kitchen table and pushed everything away from me.  The placemats and the centerpiece to give myself plenty of elbow room to write.  Funny thing was, I only planned to write the beginning of the letter.  You know just the Dear John* part and maybe a few opening lines just to get me started.  I began writing and about one paragraph into the letter, I wanted to stop writing.  It felt terribly uncomfortable and the tears had already started flowing by then.  But I kept going.  I have to admit, I was actually curious about what was flowing out of me through my words.  What did I want to say in this letter?  How was I going to say it?  I wanted to see myself through.  I kept writing.  Fighting through the tears and the snotty nose.  Lot’s of tissue was in order as I wrote.  I wrote and I wrote.   It was so painful; it hurt like hell.  The letter was filled with so many memories.  And all good ones at that which made it double hard.  But like I stated in the letter, anything that was lost was at one point a gain in your life so we must be thankful for it.  And so I stuck with that thought as I continued to write the Thank You letter.  What a release writing that letter was for me.  It was a release of emotions (tears, pain) and a release of me (free flowing expression).  It was also an epic battle between me and my ego.  Oh boy my ego DID NOT want me to say any of the things I said in that letter let alone admit it to myself.  There was a lot of pride mixed in there too.  How dare I give thanks to another person for myyyy accomplishments?!!  But to be clear, I wasn’t just thanking my ex completely; I was being thankful for all of the positive experiences I had while I was with him that helped make me who I am today.  But my ego was not trying to hear that though.  I pressed on to finish what I had started and eventually the ego quieted down.  I was happy to have gotten through the Thank You letter.  I even let out another big cry at the end after I signed my name at the bottom. 

I put down my pen on top of the pages I had just written, stood up, and walked away from the kitchen table.  What I just did took courage and strength that I didn’t even know I had. The whole process left me feeling “tired” after having poured all of myself into the creation of this letter.  My mind was blank afterward except for my egoic voice chiming in every so often yelling at me for what I just did.  I knew it was all good though.  That what I had just done needed to be done and I was better off for it.  I said everything I needed to say in exactly the way I needed to say it.  I was proud of me for that. 

What happens next from here? I don’t know.  Will I ever give the Thank You letter to him?  Maybe.  Maybe, yes.  I think it’s something I want him to see.  But it’s not for him though, writing that letter was for me.  Writing a Thank You letter to my ex wasn’t to stroke his ego or some weird plot to get him back.  What it all boils down to was love; love for myself.  Doing what I needed to do to heal and feel my own love again.  That’s what writing the letter did for me.  And if he gets something out it that helps him in some way, then great for him.  I never want my actions to tear anyone down, only to build up.

See Beauty…

Ariane

 

 

*Name changed